One drink to remember, another to forget

These last few days, well... the last week really, I've been really introspective. A lot of looking back at where I've been and how I ended up here, and how life has changed me over the years. And one thing thats come up in a conversation with a good friend was the building of walls. While walls can be good sometimes, they keep out rain and cold (and hot depending), they can also keep out those people who do care about you. It sort of goes hand in hand with the trust issues I have.

I can say that I have in the past built up some fairly substantial walls around me. And for the most part, they are still in place. Though, the reasons for the construction have long since faded, the memories linger. And they're not pleasent ones. Some one once said its better to have loved and lossed than to never have loved at all.. well.. the loss sucks. And I'm just venturing a guess here, since I can't say with any certainty I've been in love with anyone. At least never more than a serious crush here and there. Most of them were fairly harmless, but there was that one, the one that hardens you so much you never forget it. I can tell you when it was, I can tell you where I was when the fortress went up, and I can tell you I was very far from the jovial person I normally am for long time. I can tell you the ramparts are still there... though cracks are starting to show... they may be on the way down... ever so slowly. In the end it took alot of miles, alot of beer, a long talks and a couple fights with Jack Daniels, and a lot of silent reflection to get past that particular person.

And its not just those "great loves" that built that wall, but some lost friends. You know how in life you have those people who you think you can't do without. Hard to imagine how things would be without them. Or how you coped before they were around. And you let them behind your great wall, and show them everything that is "you".

Again, there have been people I have let behind the barriers, and then they've become a big disappointment. Thus my trust issues emerge again and we're back to the beginning. I feel I'm really getting better with that, possibly because I have been making better choices in friends of late. Maybe i'm maturing more and I'm able to spot those who are insincere. Or at least if I do spend time around such people i know better than to let them in the fortress.

All in all, I know that in due time I'll drop the walls down, or at leats let the right people in. And I'm defintely lucky to have a great set of friends around me now, with some exceptions who we won't mention... it happens, you need some darkness to make the light shine brighter.

Now it's back to work, and after just 3 days off, I'm having a hard time getting back into the groove... but vacations coming!