Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The Break Up.

This relationship just isn't working for me anymore.  It's been five years since we first got together, and things started great.  All my needs were being met and really enjoyed our time together.  But as time wore on, things just seemed to get dull.  You kept asking more of me.  A little at first, but it added up.  I tried to bring new things into the relationship.  Remember when I bought the new HD TV?  That was a good time.  Sure you brought a little more to this relationship after that, but with newer demands on me.  I endured because I had invested so much into the relationship and thought i had no other options. 

Then came last Thursday.  Out of no where, you denied me a relaxing evening at home.  You refused to allow me to enjoy the Bears/Packers game!  That was the final straw.  I left in a huff and went out to pour over my options at the local watering hole.  It was then I realized there are newer, faster options present to me.  And demand less of my resources to maintain the relationship.  AND, allow me my NFL Network!

So after all the random service interruptions, the grinding down of broadband speed in the evenings, and sudden random bill increases; you're kicked to the curb Insight.  Sure you pleaded with me to keep you.  Offering a lower bill and promising better service... except of course for the NFL network... which couldn't be had at "a reasonable price".  So the annual 5% increase couldn't offset the price of football but would get me instead yet another home shopping network, or HD Lifetime!  Maybe if you quit spending the money to mail me a letter or two every week trying to sell me a new phone bundle I clearly don't want you could afford better channels.  Too little too late.  I shouldn't need to threaten you to get the "best pricing".

Take your DVR and leave, I have a newer faster model now.  Go screw over some other customers.

PS.  You can also eliminate the "greeter" position at the office, a sign that points me to the line for the one person working the service counter would be just as effective and instead train the "greeter" to work the other side of the counter... thus reducing the wait in line. 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Fuzzy Memories...

Following the advice of the only published writer I know personally (I think), in order to try and get something amusing and creative going I'm going to relay an experience from the past.  Well, at least the best I can recollect.  It's amusing and embarrassing so enjoy.

The day was November 11th, 2005.  Two days before I had turned 29 years young and had delayed the celebration to the following Friday.  I don't remember how the day started, and have very limited memory of how it ended... and a lot in between is kind of fuzzy too.

I had recruited a couple of cohorts to help me celebrate.  Grace was to be the designated driver, since she was either on reserve or going to be early the next morning having just become a newly minted flight attendant.  The other was Jackie, a former coworker and codrinker for the night.  The night started off with a bad omen.  These were the days of living solo in metropolitan Peachtree City, GA and within easy walk to my then usual place, the Outback about a few hundred yards from my door.  Jackie arrived at my apartment, and then Grace called to tell me she had an issue.  Apparently one her pilot friends, while attempting to bench press drunk, dropped the bar on his face.  Grace, being the only person sober amongst the two pilots had to drive the bleeder to the hospital.  I was less than enthused about this.   I mean, a Newnan hospital on a Friday can't be a speedy place.  Jackie and I decided to best spend our time drinking.  So off the aforementioned Outback we went, Grace to meet us later.

It should be said that the drunk weightlifter and the accompanying "too busy laughing at him to be helpful" cohort eventually became my roommates and good friends.

Well, Grace showed up and off we went.  I had chosen to start in Buckhead (the days when there were actually bars/clubs..sigh) at the Coyote Ugly.  From here out things get a little fuzzier as the night goes on.  Apparently Grace and Jackie thought I needed to do as many shots as possible, a few from the pierced navel of a bartender or straight out of her mouth.  Tequila kills germs right?  My accomplices apparently had decided to team up against me at this point and order what was then called a "penalty shot. "

This is not for the faint of heart and I hesitate to put it to paper, but the "penalty shot" involved me being laid over the bar, with a hot little 100lb bartender standing over me.  At which point she removed her belt, which best i can tell was 3 inches wide and an inch thick leather.  In order to demonstrate to the gathered crowd the ferocity at which she intended to use her weapon, she used it to hit the over head air conditioning duct.  As i recall the duct work was well dented.  The she went to work on my backside.  And not lightly.  At my request, she didn't reach down and rip the elastic of my boxers off and use it as a blindfold (I should mention this wasn't the first time this has happened to me).  After my birthday lashes, I was given a shot of... something... directly form her mouth to mine.

It was after that things got weird.

Unable to sit comfortably, i was standing looking around and listening to the laughter of Grace and Jackie when I saw some one that looked vaguely familiar.  Turns out it was Martha, a mutual friend and, at the time, a actress on a television show.  I vaguely remember staring at her and she at me.  In that way that you sort of recognize some one but just can't place her.  I hadn't seen Martha in years, and the mutual friend that introduced us and I had become estranged for reasons I won't get into here.  Just then, said estranged musuatl friend, let's call her A, walked up beside her.  Great... of all the gin joints in all the world.

About that time, I mentioned to Grace and Jackie of the current company, both knowing of A and some of the back story.  I wasn't ready to leave so another round.. and I think a shot was included.  A short while later (not sure exactly how much time was passing at this time, the only measure I can remember was the fullness of the drink in front of me or the numbness of my ass from the beating I had earlier) A and Martha came over and said hello.  A long conversation of various apologies and what's going ons followed.  At that point, they joined the birthday celebration.  ANd we decided time for a venue change.

On to Mako's...

This is the short version of what may of happened at Mako's... there were very scantily clad bartenders, one sitting in the swing in the window.   There was another shot and drink in my hand.  There was dancing.  Grace was lost in the crowd.  Jacking was by my side.  A and Martha were... somewhere.  The bar was keeping me upright.  The last shot did me in, and off to the mens room I went.  FYI, steak and blooming onion doesn't taste so great the second time... or third... or.. well, let's just say I don't remember how long i was in that stall.  Grace later tells me that she noticed me gone, and after about half an hour or so she decided to go looking for me.  I regained some ability to put myself to gether, and stand up right and decided i needed to leave the men's room.  I think I wanted fresh air.

I walked out the door, saw Grace standing there.  And while I intended to stop and say something, I was unable.  I walked squarely into the wall opposite beside her.  Not a gentle transition form movement to leaning against the wall.  I remember walking into the wall and it hurting a little.  Given the amount of booze that had been poured into me, I'm surprised i didn't break a nose.  At this point Grace took command and decided it was time for us to leave.  We found Jackie and they shuffled me outside.  Jackie wasn't exactly sober or cognitive at this time either I'm told.   Grace believing, correctly, that I was unable to make it to the car and she was unable to drag me, left me propped against with wall with the other drunk person to watch over me.

That's about it.  Except the drive home involved 3 stops on the side of various roads.  And not all for me :-).    I woke up sometime the next day... not remembering really how i got into my bed, or why Jackie was asleep on my couch.  As I recall, the entire day was spent watching tv and trying to eat and not throw up (and not being totally successful).

That is the legendary 29th birthday that Grace likes to remind me of occasion when we discuss dumb things, or fun times, we've had.  That also goes down as the drunkest I've ever been.  Since then I've tied a few on from time to time, but never to that level of just being out of control.  Certain parts of the night can be recalled clearly, others are like remembering a dream... only vague moments of consciousness and memories.  The most lasting memory, I never want to be that far out of control or inebriated again.  Also, don't let Grace, when she' not drinking, be the person to keep you from making an ass of yourself.  She'll just sit back and watch and remind you later...but shes still awesome.

So there you go, something from the way back when that's embarrassing and memorable.  And something that will maybe get me ina  more creative mood.  Feel free to embarrass yourself with a not so flattering memories of past adventures.